1 post tagged “heart”

I'm about three years old, sitting on my parents wooden living room floor wearing pink shorts and a white tank top, my feet dressed in little white sandals pointed out in front of me.  I stare out beyond the screen door...the vividness of this memory surprises me as I'm not exactly one to remember.  Divided by a single crack, our gray stone porch stands strong, resisting the damage that previous earthquakes could have evoked.  The grass beyond the porch is bright green full of life and the tree that once seemed so far, dances in the middle of our huge front yard.  I gaze out, day dreaming, possibly looking for something more or maybe just being a curious child.  I get up onto my feet and walk toward the screen door reaching forward, I push the screen and am stopped...I can't go any further.  My short body is unable to reach the door knob, after many unsuccessful attempts I just stand there as my face gradually sinks into the door. My body slides down to the ground and eventually I am back on the floor not understanding why I am being kept inside when there is so much more out there...

20 years ago isn't what my life is now, that moment at three taught me things that I am only beginning to understand now as an adult.  Risk lies beyond the screen doors but we still choose to open them, one by one.  Whether we understand the consequences they bring each one of those doors unique to their own is full of the beauty, the love, the adventures, the sorrow, the hopelessness, the eagerness and the despondence that eventually helps in forming our character.  I suppose if this were a game, this game would at one point be hated and loved by all but in those times of hate it is still not a game one can easily fold up and chuck in the closet and if so, it will find you when you least want it.
 
I read a book that told me that the path of my heart would not be found in those around me, but that the path was already in me and everything else was seeking, a detour error...I didn't get it then...