3 posts tagged “life”

I'm about three years old, sitting on my parents wooden living room floor wearing pink shorts and a white tank top, my feet dressed in little white sandals pointed out in front of me.  I stare out beyond the screen door...the vividness of this memory surprises me as I'm not exactly one to remember.  Divided by a single crack, our gray stone porch stands strong, resisting the damage that previous earthquakes could have evoked.  The grass beyond the porch is bright green full of life and the tree that once seemed so far, dances in the middle of our huge front yard.  I gaze out, day dreaming, possibly looking for something more or maybe just being a curious child.  I get up onto my feet and walk toward the screen door reaching forward, I push the screen and am stopped...I can't go any further.  My short body is unable to reach the door knob, after many unsuccessful attempts I just stand there as my face gradually sinks into the door. My body slides down to the ground and eventually I am back on the floor not understanding why I am being kept inside when there is so much more out there...

20 years ago isn't what my life is now, that moment at three taught me things that I am only beginning to understand now as an adult.  Risk lies beyond the screen doors but we still choose to open them, one by one.  Whether we understand the consequences they bring each one of those doors unique to their own is full of the beauty, the love, the adventures, the sorrow, the hopelessness, the eagerness and the despondence that eventually helps in forming our character.  I suppose if this were a game, this game would at one point be hated and loved by all but in those times of hate it is still not a game one can easily fold up and chuck in the closet and if so, it will find you when you least want it.
 
I read a book that told me that the path of my heart would not be found in those around me, but that the path was already in me and everything else was seeking, a detour error...I didn't get it then...

How do you feel about your birthday?  Do you look forward to it and remind all your friends, or do you dread it and try to keep it a secret?

Birthdays are like a punch in the face...only difference is, you don't ever, heal after.  Instead things just get progressively worse.  I like to call myself one of the few or many (I haven't really done research) who kinda dreads the full completion of their birthday calendar year.  I don't think it was always like this. I think at one point I loved having me celebrated, getting all those useless gifts, thinking really hard as I thought of that one single wish that would come true as I blew all the fire off the little colorful birthday candles.  But after many awkward years of being the center of attention on "my" day, I suppose I sort of wanted to just roll up into a ball and hide behind everyone as they all sang, jumped for joy and pretended they were having fun...

I've been mostly secretly anti my birthday from the ages of 10 till now.  I don't like to mention it and on the rare occasion that I do, I'm most likely having the best day of my life...or drugged on some happy pill, thinking that maybe this year my day of birth should be celebrated.  I'm not a birthday hater don't get me wrong, but if I can avoid the celebrations all together you're damn right I will.  I enjoy the company of my friends and truly appreciate the gifts or beers or dinners that they so willingly share with me, its just...I don't know...a reminder of the times that once were, the times that aren't now and the awkward conversations brought on by someone asking if I feel any different.

But to not be so much of a party pooper, I have realized that its not about the numbers and its not about the wrinkles or the gray hairs or the parts that will sag...its about the people whom you so luckily have at that present birthday in time....to add another BUT, that doesn't mean that this year I will be reminding my friends that I will yet again be ascending into a new ripe old age of 24.

What's on your holiday wishlist?

With the growing Yule tide trends of consumerism it seems  almost too radical for us not to take part in these seasonal  rituals. Yet I find myself contemplating, trying to decipher what it is to truly want something and what it is to actually need it.  It sounds almost too simplistic to confuse, but is way too often misconstrued.

So, when I was asked by my brother what it was I wanted for Christmas, I thought hmmm, here’s my opportunity to get that amp I’ve been wanting.  But I thought back to that contemplative Ariana and told myself I had to block the consumer in me…So I responded with, "nothing".  I didn’t regret saying nothing, I genuinely didn’t want a materialistic gift from my brother.  If anything a night out with him would be a hundred times more satisfying.  Yet when I gave him my answer, I was responded to with "well I’d rather get you something you want than something you dont".  Meaning to say, that whether I liked it or not I was getting a gift.  Although I thought it was very sweet of my brother to want to get me something as a way of showing me he loved me but I didn’t think it necessary.

With our growing need to want to satisfy people with trinkets and objects I think the most important gift of all often gets misplaced and the simplest way to make someone happy has somehow lost its value, becoming the least thoughtful.  Yet, as I watch everyone get lost in the hysteria of the holidays I often wonder what it would be like if maybe, we all didn’t get so lost...

So to answer this question directly...the only thing on my wish list is the following:

To enjoy each other this holiday season more so than the gadgets and silly objects that will eventually end up broken and forgotten.